Unrequited.

On my good days it makes sense that I should love something I can't have.

It rings of a certain nobility; speaks to an inner strength I dream of actually possessing. The most annoying part of my head even dares to whisper that these unfulfilled longings make me better...stronger, somehow - or more and more who God has made me to be.

Then there are bad days, or moments, where I wonder what the heck is going on.

I become Charlie Brown: "Nothing can take the taste out of peanut butter like unrequited love." I rationalize brilliantly about why and how I should have these desires fulfilled. I can even convince my ego-saturated self that I am praying for selfless things:

*God...I long for a vision for these students. Help me know how to love them well and open their eyes to the reality of your kingdom.
*Please meet with these students, Lord...they need you.
*Show me where you want me to serve and use the gifts you've given me, God...

Then other times I sound like I'm about 12:

*God I NEED a dog.
*Or better yet, a horse...haven't I asked you for a horse for years?
*Why do I look like this? Why can't I look like that?
*God, don't you know I love him?


And if by some chance a moment of introspection lingers, as I'm trying to force it to do now...I understand and acknowledge that those things that I desire are reflections of deep, raw, soulful yearnings.

*the desire to know God and how he is at work restoring the world, and to bring other people into contact with the ultimate reality of Jesus and the kingdom.
*the need to be fully integrated into a community that likes Jesus. or a community period.
*the desire for companionship, and I'm just an animal person.
*the desire to see beauty, and maybe to see beauty in myself.
*the need to love and be loved in return.

I desire all these things. It is painful to have them as-yet unfulfilled.

To be continued...